Time Warp
by Fujin Masago
Summary: I wasn't sure if it should be PG or PG-13, so I thought I'd play it safe. See if you can guess what song was stuck in my head when I wrote this!


DISCLAIMER: Everything belongs to their respective owners. 

------------------------------------

TIME WARP

Authoress: This has no official plot. So sue me.

The Turks' bar, Junon

ELENA: Can you believe the nerve of AVALANCHE? We went to all that trouble to have a final showdown with them, and they refuse! Right? [elbows Reno] Am I right?

RENO: 

ELENA: I am outraged at this! I think we should go complain to them. Who wants to come with me?

Reno: Shaddup, Elena. Lemme finish my drink.

Rude: Yeah.

Elena: Fine. I'm going alone. [leaves the bar] Hmmm. Maybe I can get Reeve to go with me.

Shinra building

Elena: REEVE!

Reeve: [Is right next to her. Jumps, turns around] ACK! Elena! You- Don't do that! 

Elena: [grabbing Reeve's arm] Come complain with me!

Reeve: [being dragged] Uh, but I don't want to [realizes he has no choise] uh, Okay...

-----

AVALANCHE's secret hideout, in the basement of the new and improved Seventh Heaven bar.

Tifa: Who wants to play Monopoly?

Cid: SHUT the hell up.[points at the TV] Dukes of Hazzard is on!

Yuffie: I hate this show! Change the channel! 

Cid: NO! 

Tifa: Who wants to play Solarquest?

Cid: What the @#$%?!? I SAID- what? What's Solarquest?

Tifa: It's just like Monopoly, except it's in outer space!

Cid: Only if we can keep watching Dukes of Hazzard!

Tifa: Fine. Who else wants to play!??

Yuffie: Me! ME! [grins wickedly]

Cloud: [waving hand wildly] I do!

Aeris: Sure.

Vincent: ANYTHING! You *children* are being so immature over everything! There's nothing to do!

Aeris: Where'd that come from?

Vincent: [shrugs]

Barret: Who're you callin' children? 

Vincent: I am 57 years old. Much older than any of you. I have a right.

Red XIII: Really? Wow, I thought I was the oldest.

Vincent: [grins] Yep.

Cid: [glowering] As if it's something to be @#$&ing proud of.

Vincent: Sounds like SOMEone's jealous!

Cid: [glaring] I'm not jealous! You're #%@#ing jealous!

Vincent: Okay, okay, anything you say.

Cait Sith: [coughs suddenly]

Vincent: [staring] 

Cait Sith: Shut up, Elena!

Everyone: [looks at each other, then at Cait Sith]

Cait Sith: [clears throat] Uh, that is, okay, whatever you say, Elena.

Everyone: [staring]

Cloud: Something wrong, Cait Sith?

Cait Sith: Aw, crap, not again. [hastily] I mean, ummmm, nevermind.

Tifa: Okay, then. I'm blue! [grabbing spaceship pawn]

Everyone who's playing: {makes a mad dash for the pawns]

Vincent: Yesss! I got black! 

Cloud/Yuffie/Cid/Aeris: Awwww

Aeris: I got white!

Cid: Grey!

Yuffie: Red, just like my favourite materia, Knights of the Round. [sighs]

Cloud: I don't want yellow. Anyone want to trade?

Everyone who's playing but Cloud: NO!

Cloud: Aww

Yuffie: I get to be banker!

Aeris: No, way! Every time you're banker, large sums of money 

mysteriously dissappear from the bank, and you win. I'm banker.

Yuffie: Fine. I get to do the properties!

Everyone else: NO!

Tifa: I am.

Yuffie: [pouting] 

Cait Sith: Beware! Elena's coming!

Everyone: [staring]

Cait Sith: I was talking to the truck driver. No, seriously! Please don't break my arm! Ow! Stop it!

Everyone: [staring]

-----

Across the street from Seventh Heaven

Reeve: I was talking to the truck driver. No, seriously! Please don't break my arm! Ow! Stop it!

Elena: [has hold of Reeve's arm behind his back.] Now maybe you'll think before hitting on me! 

Reeve: [in horrible pain] I wasn't hitting on you, I swear! [sees another bar, struggles to point at it] Elena! Let's stop for a drink!

Elena: [letting Reeve go] AAAAAAAGH! YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM! [runs over to Seventh Heaven, crying] 

Reeve: [yelling after her] You'll be sorrrrryyyyy!

Elena: [ignores him]

-----

In the secret hideout

Yuffie: YES! VENUS! I'll buy it! In your face, Aeris![forks over money]

Aeris: No one ever lands on Venus.[takes money and puts it in bank]

Yuffie: Are you trying to umm, what's that word UNPERSUADE [Cid 

snickers] me from buying it? Cause, if you are, it won't work.

Aeris: Wanna make something of it? [holds up KoR materia]

Yuffie: UNfair! [tries to back off and stand her ground at the same time, 

sits on the remote in the procsess, changing the channel]

Cloud: [face lights up] Hey! Rocky Horror Picture Show! [jumps up and 

begins to sing and dance along]

Tifa: I didn't know we got HBO.

Cid: WE DON'T! CHANGE IT BACK! I WANT DUKES!

Cloud: IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT. AND A STEP TO THE RIIIGHT! PUT 

YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS. AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIIIIIIGGHT! DO A PELVIC THRUUUST! IT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSAYAYANE! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Cid:[Trying to yell above the TV and Cloud's singing, fails]

Yuffie: OOOooooh. [staring in awe at the TV and Cloud]

Cid: @$#@ CHANGE #@#@ IT @#@$ BACK, @#$@IN' YUFFIE YOU GODDAMN @#$%$!!!!!!![wrapping his hands around Yuffie' neck]

Yuffie: [choking] ECK! I can't! The remote's broken! [holds up mutilated remote]

Cloud: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Cid: [Eerily calm] I have just realized that Yuffie should not be watching this movie. Might I escort her to her room?

Barret: Knock yourself out.

[Cid leaves, dragging Yuffie. Beating-up noises are heard in the hall, along with faint, inaudible profanity]

Cait Sith: NO! Elena! Stay away from there!

Everyone: [staring]

Cait Sith: I mean, Tifa, I believe you have a customer.

Everyone: Go to your room!

Cait Sith: [walks off, mumbling to himself, or possibly to Elena, who happens to be upstairs]

Cloud: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Tifa: The song's over, Cloud.

Cloud: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Tifa: He's delirious. Vincent, turn off the TV. [Vincent turns it off]

Cloud: LET'S DO THE-[snapping out of it] No, I'm not.

Aeris: I take it this means our game is over?

Cloud: Turn it back on! 

Tifa: NO! That movie's sick.

Cid: @#@$ @@$# #$@$% @$%#% #$%!!!!!!!!!!!

Yuffie: AAAAAAGHHH! STOP! PLEASE! CID! GGHUHGGH! I'M 

UGHHHAAHHAAA- SORRRRRYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Vincent: [ fighting off Cloud] I am the ruler of the TV! It only goes on if I 

SAY SO!!!

Aeris: Okay, then. Since I'm the only one who didn't quit, I guess I won! 

Elena: [enters, followed by Cait Sith and Reeve, who keep eyeing each other strangely] ALL RIGHT!! THIS PARTY'S OVER NOW! 

Everyone: Awwwww

Elena: SHUT UP!

Everyone: [long silence. Cait Sith and Reeve cough stimultaneously.]

Reeve/Cait: I didn't want to come! She made me!

Elena: AND YOU! GET THAT THING WORKING AGAIN!

Cait/Reeve: I am working! Aw, crap. Stop talking to me!

Elena: I WANT TO KNOW WHY WE DIDN'T GET OUR FINAL SHOW DOWN!!!!! WE WENT TO ALL THAT TROUBLE-

Cloud: Probably because we messed the whole thing up.

Elena: AND YOU JUST- wha?

Aeris: Yeah. Have you read the script lately? Sector 7's supposed to be crushed and it's not, Cloud's supposed to act like Zack, and I never knew Zack to dance to RHPS. And I'm not even dead! At a time like this, you wonder if we'll ever even beat Sephiroth

Sephiroth: [appearing] You called? Ooogh [trails off. Is in great pain. Everyone kind of winces]

Cait/Reeve: Yeeew

Red XIII: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

Vincent: [shocked and appalled]

Sephiroth:[chocking noises. We see that he has materialized in exactly the wrong place- impaled on Vincent's claw. He is now dead]

Vincent: [carefully pries Sephy off. Stares at claw. Looks kind of depressed at the amount of blood and nameless purple things on it. Looks up] I'm going to go wash this off. [leaves, just as Cid comes back in, dragging an unconsious Yuffie. Stops in his tracks when he sees Sephy]

Cid: [drops Yuffie] Whoooaa okay did I miss something?

Reeve/Cait: Yes! Duh!

Cid: and what are they doing here?[indicating Reeve and Elena] And WHY are they[indicating Reeve and Cait] saying the exact same thing at the exact same time? And WHHYYYY is SEPHIROTH lying DEAD on the Solorquest board??!?!?!?

Cloud: It's a long and funny story. I'll tell you later.

Cid: TELL ME !@#@IN' NOW!!!!!!

Cloud: We screwed up the script! Are ya happy!!??

Cid: Yes.

Elena: [clears throat. Everyone looks at her]

Everyone: Yyeeeeeessss?

Elena: Cloud? The Time Warp? Really?

[Tifa nods]

Elena: [grins] Now this I gotta see!

Cloud: [face lights up] IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT! AND A STEP TO THE 

RIIIIIGHT-

Tifa: Cloud, not now.

Cloud: [depressed, sits in corner.]

Elena: Reno does that every time he watches that movie. Which is every day.

Aeris: What? Sit in the corner?

Elena: NO! Sings and dances along.

Cloud: [leaps up] Really?!?!?

Elena: [nods]

Cloud: YEESSSSSS! I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!

Reno: [entering] Elena! You've been gone too long. Lets' kill them and get it over with!

Rude: Yeah!

Tifa: Vincent, quick! TURN ON THE TV!

Vincent:[reenters] But-

Tifa: DO IT!

Vincent: [does it]

Cloud: [face lighting up, gets up to sing and dance along] IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT! AND A STEP TO THE RIIIIIIIIIGGHT! 

Reno: [joining in] PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS! AND BRING YOU KNEES IN TIIIIIIIIIGGHT!

Both: DO A PELVIC THRUUUUUUST! IT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSAYAYAANE!

Vincent: Wasn't this song over?

Reno/Cloud: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAIIIN!

Tifa: Yes.

Yuffie: [waking up] OOoooooooh!

Cait/Reeve: I think I'll take her to her room. [Both head over to Yuffie, Cait pokes Reeve] No, me you idiot! [Cait takes Yuffie out of the room]

Aeris: So, Reeve, are you the one who's controlling Cait Sith?

Reeve: You don't know yet? Yes. 

Cloud/Reno: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAIN!

Aeris: We messed up the script. I know we were supposed to find out, but we never did.

Barret: Oh! It's my line! Ahem. [consults script] You're busted, Reeve!

Tifa: It's a little late for that, Barret. 

Cloud/Reno: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAIN!

Aeris: Yeah. If you look at the script, right now we're supposed to be beating Emerald Weapon.

Cid: Um

Everyone: [looks at him]

Cid: We just beat Sephiroth. Right?

Vincent: Oh, so now it's WE, ay?

Cid: WHERE'S THE @#$#IN' POST SAVING THE WORLD PARTY?!?!?!?

Cloud/Reno: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAIN!

Tifa: [indicating Cloud/Reno] Right there.

Cid: That ain't no party! Where's the goddamn BOOZE!?

Rude: Yeah.

Tifa: Upstairs.

Cid: SO GO GET IT!

Rude: Yeah!

Tifa: Why don't you?

Cid: Cause it's YOUR @#$#IN' BOOZE!!

Tifa: [unimpressed] I wouldn't call it that but I DO run a bar. Of course it's my *ahem* booze'! And I say that unless YOU get it, NO ONE gets ANY!

Cid: [small voice] No booze?

Tifa: No booze.

Cid: [runs to go get the booze]

-------------

One hour later

{Although Cloud and Reno are the only ones enjoying themselves much, everyone else has heard the songs enough by now that they are often caught huming along to them]

Elena: [quietly] I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to scraatch. I need assistance

Cid: Really?

Elena: NO! None of your business! Get off my back! [quietly] Creature oof the niiiiight

Cid: Aww, nuts. You sure?

Elena: YES!

------

Many hours later

Cloud/Reno: [slumped on couch, too drunk and tired to dance, are still singing] FRANK-N-FURTER IT'S ALL OOVER! YOUR MISSION IS A FALIURE, YOUR LIFE STYLE'S TOO EXTREEEEEME. 

Aeris: Vincent, PLEASE turn it off! This is the third time through! I've been sick of it since the start!

Reno/Cloud: I'M YOUR NEW COMMANDER, YOU NOW ARE MY PRISONER-

Vincent: I'd like to, but it's the only thing that keeps Reno from killing us.

Reno/Cloud: WE RETURN TO TRANSYLVANIA. PREPARE THE TRANSIT BEEEEEEAAAM!

Aeris: LOOk at him. He's too drunk to lift a gun, let alone fire it!

Vincent: Okay. [turns it off. There is a collective sigh of releif across the room, except for Cloud and Reno]

Reno: HEY! TURN IT BACK- [slumps over] ZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Cloud: Wha' dja' go n' do tha' fo'?

Aeris: You'll thank us when you're older.

Vincent: Strange. I keep getting this strange urge to wear fishnet tights.

Barret: Me, too. I think there's some in the broom closet- they're Cloud's.

Vincent: [horriffied]I'm not actually GOING to-

Barret: Well, I am! Step aside, foo'! [flings open closet door. Inside are Cid and Elena, in the process of making out. Both are somewhat drunk. They freeze. Very embarrassing.]

Everyone: EEeeeeeeeeeewwww!

Barret: [not even noticing them, reaches for the tights]

Elena: Do you MIND! [closes door]

Tifa: [shaking her head] I thought Elena had more class than that. Guess I was wrong.

From the closet: [muffled] Shut UP!

Everyone: [trying not to laugh]

Yuffie: [from in the hall] Umm, guys? Help, please! Don't mean to wreck the party, but-

Cloud: Too late [trails off]

Yuffie: [says something inaudible, muffled gasps, etc. Long silence, then some really odd noises]

Cait Sith/Reeve: [Reeve sounds drunk, Cait is fine] Yuffie? You okay? 

[Door opens. In comes Sephiroth, followed by Yuffie. If you look really hard, you can see signs that mean that perhaps Yuffie had a crush on Sephy(who doesn't?) and he found a productive way to persuade her to join him.]

Tifa: Sephiroth!

Vincent: I thought you were dead!

Sephy: I was! But thanks to this-[searches for compliment, finds none]- young lady, [indicates Yuffie, who blushes] I have come back to have a final showdown with all you! And then she and I will rule the world!

Reader: Hold on. Yuffie? Gone evil? This has gone too far. I'm outta here.

Authoress: Wait! I'll change it! I swear! Come back!

Yuffie: Awww I liked being Sephiroth's queen!

Authoress: Look, do you want an audience or don't you?

Yuffie: Sorry. Ummmm oh yeah! It wasn't my fault! I just accidently dropped a Revive on him! And then it went off!!! [sobbing]

Sephy: Shut up! Now I'll have to kill you too!

Yuffie: Awwwww

Sephy: Now for the final showdown

Aeris: Um, excuse me, but Isn't this a little low for you? 

Sephy: Huh?

Aeris: Well, Cloud, Reno, Rude, and Reeve are pass- out drunk, Cid and Elena are drunk and in the closet, Red XIII I don't know where Red is, We're all tired from being up all night I mean, this is hardly a challenge! You can't go around saying that you beat us when we were weak! That's unfair sportmanship! 

Sephy: Okay, I got NONE of that, but I'll take your word for it.

[Long silence]

Tifa: Now what?

Barret: Let's watch TV.

Vincent: [turns it on. It's still on RHPS, seems that they've gone 24-7 on this]

Sephy: [in horrible pain] AAAAAAAAAggghh! Turn it off!

Aeris: Why? Aside from the obvious.

Sephy: Whenever I see this movie, I am forced to SING ALONG!

Aeris: [glances at Tifa. They both start grinning] I don't see why we should.

Sephy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHIIIIIIIT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT! AND A STEP TO THE RIIIIIIGGHT! [On intsinct, he starts controlling everyone. Now they're all singing and dancing along, no matter how drunk, with the exeption of Cid and Elena, who are still in the closet]

Everyone: DO A PELVIC THRUUUUUUST! IT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSAYAYANE! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

------

Half an hour later

Everyone: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAIN!

Cid; [coming out of closet with Elena. Their hair and clothes are visibly messed up.] Will you guys pipe down?

Elena: [walks over and turns TV off]

Everyone: [gasping] THANK you!

------

And so, the night ended happily, with everyone in a couple in different areas of the room: Cid and Elena, Yuffie and Sephiroth, Cloud and Tifa(she spent most of her time keping him from passing out), Aeris and Vincent, Reno and Rude(Okay, so all they did was play poker and drink. So what?), Cait Sith and Red XIII(They played Mousetrap), and Barret and Reeve dug through the closet and were currently wearing a pair of fishnets each, drinking, and telling dirty jokes.

------

Reader: What a stupid ending! I want my money back!

Authoress: You didn't pay for it.

Reader: Oh, yeah. Well, I'm never going to read this again!

Authoress: [uses her strange and godlike powers on Reader. Reader is suddenly filled with the compulsion to print the story and distribute it to his/her/its friends.]

THE END

OFFICIALLY

Authoress: Seriously, it is the end.

Really!


End file.
